Sometimes u are really cruel.

I care so much about you, but sometimes u just disappoint me so much... I will not fight with u. This is our last days together. I will not fight. WILL NOT FIGHT BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE YOU

shit man.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR You are so irritating. keep ignoring my smses. why do I still love you so much regardless of this? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

but seriously.

over the past few days, when I was shooting, I was not being focussed at all! I kept thinking about us. About the times we spent together and how it is really not possible to spend the equal amount of time together from now on... It seems like an impossible feat for us to ever get together again. which is QUITE AND DEFINITELY SADDENING NEWS TO ME. we can really only get together if we truly love each other. Which i believe you dont love me as much as before anymore. I really feel like letting go, but I cannot. wth is wrong with me. Why is it so hard? WHY!!!!!

sigh. i still love u. :(

i passed you a gift.

I am booking in again, passed my present for u to mari. Hope you will like ittt... :(

you finally replied

Thank goodness you are alright. Although ur reply meant that we might not get to meet... but knowing that you are alright make me feel so much better....

wtf is wrong with meee!!!!

It is 8 am in the morning. Oh man, I am feeling so so so so damn worried now. I cant get through the phone to you and you are not replying... FREAK. Why am I torturing myself SO MUCH. I feel so horrible. you are probably okay. I wanna deliver breakfast to you but I am so scared you are not in, what can i do what can i do. I did a card for you, but will I be able to pass it to you? WHY AM I TORTURING MYSELF! WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH FOR?

More more!

we had so so so so so much memories i cannot believe that we forgot all that when we talk about breaking up.....

The feeling that we once had... can it be rekindled?

The making of...

I am starting on the video for your birthday! :) Look what I found! omg. when did we take this :)

I did so many stupid things for you.

Omg, as I look back, I realised that I did a lot of dumbass things for you. It seemed so ridiculous to me now that I feel really dumb thinking it was romantic to you. I am so so so so retarded. I cant believe it!

No wonder you choose to leave.. haha


Look at this. our 50th day video. WTF i am so embarrased of myself :(

I LOVE YOU, VICTOR! <3 <--- this was your reply :( hahahha shit.

Its so hard sometimes

Sometimes, I really wish that I can forget you totally, but it is really so so so hard sometimes. I should move on with my life. I am glad I am not disturbing you though I am under so much pain. At least you are leading ur life well and okay. At least you are happy studying without me giving you any disturbance or pressure in any way... But why must love be so painful for one side. Sigh I wish things were like the past, I wish I know what is happening in your life. BUT WHY DO I LOVE U SO MUCH.

ARGHHHH !_@)(#@#*

slowly letting go...

I think it is time, that i slowly let go of you. Slow, but surely...You asked if I want to meet at boon lay,(even though my camp is no longer there,) because u wanna send me off. Sometimes, I am confused, I am not sure if you are doing it out of pity. If so, I just want to tell you not to worry and not to pity. In a relationship there is no right or wrong. You are not wrong to leave me. I will slowly accept it :)

what will happen if i let go?

I think, it could very well be time for us to move on with our own lives. The past week I have been trying to lessen my dependency on you. I am not sure if i am doing the right thing, and not sure if you noticed, but we are slowly drifting apart. the whole problem with the situation is that we build our friendship on love. I liked you before you were my friend. now that we are apart, it is hard for us to become friends again. I want to be back with you. but as time progresses on, I realised that no matter how much I try or do, it will never touch you again. Because the answer is simple, you dont love me anymore. But it is okay, no one is indispensible in this world.

Two months ago, you said that you were not ready for a full break up. I guess you should be ready by the time your birthday comes. :) it will be the time when we truly part. Maybe we will be friends again if we ever cross path. But my hope of getting back with you again is declining day by day. Ultimately, once i leave for taiwan if the situation remains the same, i guess that will be it. :) It was a nice two years plus. Without you, victor gan wldnt be able to be who he is today. THroughout the tough times, you kept me going, you were my motivating force. Now that I lost you, I will have to depend on myself. But I know i can do it. jiayou, carmen.

weeee

weee so so so so happy. Although this morning you rejected my request to be my girlfriend again, I sure hope we made some progress. I realised we can only make true progress when we meet. You have to study hard because you are in medicine.

Another thing that made me so happy is that I realised I am really slowly changing. Haha, I really remember your face when you messaging ur friend and didnt want me to see. You said I was scary but I really was not angry! Maybe a bit jealous but I guess that is normal. I am learning to cope with the fact that you have a life other than with me!! I know its a problem and I am glad I am overcoming it! Can you feel it too?

I wish we are back together. Hopefully I can pull off a nice one for your birthhhdaayyyyyyy 67 more dayss!!!!!!

I did the most stupid things I have ever done!

All these while trying to chase you back. All my efforts. All went to nought!! I dont really know how you feel now. I really really shouldnt have angrered you. WTH IS WRONG WITH YOU, VICTOR GAN! :(:( And I found out something, I will be overseas for your BIRTHDAY. ARGHHH ALLL MY PLANS FOR THAT DAY IS GOONEEEEEEEEEEE.

but maybe, there can be a plan B. Somehow?

I have to book in again

My final block leave for NS is over :( That is rather sad. haha. I hve to book in again, that would mean less time with you. i am still working out the details for ur birthday celebrations. Maybe I am in taiwan at that time. I seriously hope not! Let october 22 be the day we become a couple again. PLease please.

Operation VNK

now, u are doing laundry for a very long time... let my layout the plan for your birthday...



Hmm,
I will do not one, but several things for four big 19! ALmost twenty now, girl! Anyway, I hope you are not having your exam because it will take the fun out of the game.

Your presents will be hidden in several part of singapore and you will discover it bits by bits!

Now I am thinking of the gifts!

1)painting
2)Jigsaw
3)scrape book?
4) Video! ( A must!)

GAHH I NEED MORE IDEAS.

THen It will end in a room (I will search for one) that I will decorate and I will ask you the question then.

71 more days

71 more days to your birthday. It is make it or break it for us. I think it will be the day when I can proudly ask you to be my girlfriend back, or maybe its the day when I totally flunk and we will remain status quo forever.

After spending the 2 days with you, I came across a new finding. You told me you were quite comfortable with status quo. That made me worried and upset. But I need to find out why. I thought over it the entire night and I realised, I lack trust in you. This is the main reason for our break down and in the next 70 odd days I am going to try and show to you that I love you so much that I will learn to trust you. I really do not want such a beautiful relationship go to waste. I told my friends, I will do something epic for your birthday, if I dont succeed, then I will leave. Leave completely. I am not sure how I am able to do it. But i guess now without ur stuff in my house, it will be easier. But I really do not want to do that. Please let the next 70 plus days be smooth and my preperations for your birthday to be smooth. Please dont let any assholes capture your heart before I do. My plan will be documented in this blog (hopefully), and I hope that I can pull off somethng that can move you, that can make you return to my side. Lets make "Victor and Karmun" happen again

I am going to chase you back:)

After days of despair and sadness over losing you. I have been evaluating what went wrong in our relationship I am really sad to say that it is because your feelings for me waned over the years.Maybe I am too boring or something, maybe you just want to stay as good friends with me and nothing else. I know i said i will wait for you, but its been rather painful and you dont really know. I know we should keep our option open but from the way u were interacting with other male friends on face book still made me jealous and heartbroken. HAHA. u may say that u dont have to answer to me at all now, oh well. That is true.

There are times when I really want to run away like a loser and forget about you.

There are times when I want to stay and try to hold on to whatever is left of our relationship.

There are times i hope I am not just an obligation to you...

Yesterday you pushed me away for the first time in 2 years. You stayed firm. Are we really over? I really hope not. I am going to chase you back.

Day 1

Yesterday was the day we informally broke up. The pain in me was crazy. I wonder if we can still find the same feelings we had for each other 2 years ago if we managed to patch up. If on sunday, u decided that this is the end, can i really accept it?

Maybe I cannot. But I have to right. :( There are nothing much that I can do. Thats why i started this blog. I will pen down whatever miserable feelings that I will feel after you leave. when i managed to leave this blog, it meant that I have gotten over you totally. I wonder how long will i take to recover...

Everytime during tough times, your smiley and cute face will come to my mind and i told myself to push on. I know you had fun during ur camp, thats what u told ur friends, but the only regret is me smsing youand pestering you. It will not allow you to enjoy urself thoroughly. its kind of hurting because in the past you depended on my sms. But its okay, you probably wouldnt get to read this blog anyway. I was really hurt. I read the gifts and the blog we once had. Are you really the kar mun that loved me?

Maybe its like a married couple kinda thing. When you get together for too long the feeling just gets diluted. and u are leaving towards another phase of ur life while I am still training in army. All thse should play some part in our break up.

2years 2 months. The most serious love of my life for the longest time. I hope i can get over u soon.